Redemptions
by Hese Solstis
Summary: She never knew how much she meant to him until that fateful day in his room. But for them, it was already too late. Post Winter War, somewhat AU-ish one shot


_I am really a tramp down to my bones. I hate myself. I bark at the moon, but I don't have the courage to jump and grab it.- Abarai Renji_

**

* * *

Redemptions**

They say that friends are forever and that friends always understand each other. That's what she thought of their relationship, friends. Not as complex as lovers, not as simple as acquaintances. She never knew that she meant a lot more to him until that day...

Standing in front of Abarai Renji's dormitory, she wondered why she still bothered to come and clean his room when she already knew that he won't be returning in the future. Ever since the birth of her first child, she had always helped him clean his room on the second Sunday of the month. That was their special time together, away from her over-protective husband and away from his sake-loving buddies.

XXXX

"_Won't your strawberry husband be mad at you?" asked an amused Renji as he watched his friend tackle a surprisingly aggressive mouse on his behalf. Knitting her eyebrows together in frustration, she continued her battle with the mouse, wondering if she should use Sode no Shirayuki to freeze the disturbing rodent. _

_"Of course not, Renji. Don't be stupid. Ichigo is over-protective, not over-possessive. He knows what I'm doing and who I'm with and that's enough for him. There," she finished with a grin when she finally got rid of the mouse. "Who knew mouse exists in Seireitei?" said Renji who was inching towards the exit with every passing moment._

_ Sweeping the dust at her clothes, she turned around and faced him with a dangerous glint in her eyes before returning towards the rest of the room with a determined resolve. Renji gulped nervously. He should have known it won't be that easy to get her off his back. _

"_Renji, don't even think of wriggling out of this, you dirty baboon. When was the last time you cleaned your room, mister. Get this broom and start sweeping while go mop outside and fetch me another pail of water. And if you take the chance to shrink your duties," glaring at him with her amethyst orbs, "I'll just ask Ichigo to bring the CD recording of you singing "I'm a Barbie Girl" to the Twelfth Division and ask them to broadcast it. You'll like that, won't you?" _

_She smirked at him. Needless to say, Renji knew better than to try his luck with the petite shinigami. _

XXXX

She had many fond memories with him in cleaning up this room. But nowadays, it was always her cleaning the room. Sometimes she feels as though his soul wasn't there even when he was standing beside her sweeping the floor. And sometimes, he wouldn't return for months, performing special missions with his squad in Hueco Mundo. These days, she hardly sees him any more. So maybe that's why she still comes here to clean his room.

Somehow, she hoped that Renji would be there, keeping their monthly ritual of room cleaning.

Pushing those thoughts aside to concentrate on her task, she slid the door open and entered the room with her cleaning equipments in tow. Carefully, she raised her foot over another, leaving a trail of footprints on the floor. She frowned, the dust accumulates much too quick in this room, barely a month passed, and now it's dusty as hell again. Rolling up her sleeves, she sighed. She hoped she won't have to deal with any rotten food or aggressive mouse this time.

Standing on her tiptoes, she yanked the curtains away with a forceful grip. With a groan, the curtains give way and the dark and mouldy room of Abarai Renji finally received their warm sunlight after a month's absence. Basking in the warm sunshine, she felt oddly calm and serene like how she feels when she's alone with her husband.

With her handy dandy broom in hand, she surveyed the room with obvious distaste. Standing alone in the dusty room, her nose picked up several nauseating odours. The room reeked of dirty clothes, especially Renji's used socks and she could distinctly pick up the smell of rat piss. She was already beginning to regret coming here to clean his room. Besides, the bed looked too empty and untouched for weeks. With a sigh, she quickly peeled off the blanket and bed sheets from the bed, before replacing them with clean ones that smelt faintly of lavender and pine.

After dumping the old bed sheets into big blue pail she had prepared earlier, she casually turned her gaze upwards and noticed the ugly wallpapers in the room. The walls were bland and an unhealthy shade of red. It may have been ruby red during its glory days, but now, most of paint is peeling off and the rest of the colour gradually faded into a sickly colour of maroon. She had pestered him to change the wallpaper for years now, but he always shrugged it off and steered the conversation in the other way. It was as if he wanted the awful wallpaper to remain. She made a promise to herself to ask Renji to change it during the next spring-cleaning.

After that, she strode to the closet determinedly, ready to face her worst nightmare. Holding the broom in her hand with a death-grip, she sucked and held her breath when she opened the closet door. Immediately, she was greeted with an avalanche of dirty clothes. Her surprise grasp was cut short as soon as the heavy clothes pinned her onto the hard wooden floor.

XXXX

Lying beneath the pile, she could distinctly make out several pairs of used socks that reeked of sweat. Carefully, she straightened herself up from the pile of dirty clothes. Bending down, she hastily threw the rest of the clothes into the pail while pinching the bridge of her nose. She doesn't need to remind herself of the awful smell of unwashed clothing. She grimaced when she noticed the pile of clothing she'll be washing this week.

_Stupid Renji, who does he think he is? Changing clothes and leaving them in the closet, but doesn't sleep on his bed. What am I? His mother. His laundry woman. The next time I see him, I'll kick him in the shins real hard. Take that, you dirty baboon!_

Grinning at the prospect at being able to torture her said friend later, she urged herself to finish the cleaning as soon as possible. Surveying the room, she finally settled her gaze on the sturdy wooden oak table he uses as a workbench.

They say that a person's room reflects their inner soul. She sometimes find it disturbing that a vibrant guy like Renji would have such an empty room that consisted nothing more than a single bed, a sturdy workbench and chair, a closet filled with dirty clothes and food storage cupboard that occasionally housed rodents. How could Renji's soul be as empty as this lonely room?

She used to nag him tirelessly about going shopping with her to get some furniture, like an armchair and even a vanity mirror, just to liven his room. Much to her chagrin, he always decline. And no amount of threats, shin kicking, could sway his judgment. At first, she thought it was some sort of unwritten rule that shopping is a woman's job and guys who do shopping are wimps, as Renji quoted. So, she roped her husband into this, but her annoying as hell friend still had the gall to refuse her offer.

Within two steps, she had reached the table. Running her index finger, she visibly frowned when it came up with a thick layer of dust. Then, she noticed the staggering pile of paperwork placed precariously near the edge of the table. Eying the pile from the slits of her eyes, she knew her beloved brother would not be pleased.

_Very mature, Renji. Just leave your assigned paperwork on your table. Nii-sama, will never find out_, she thought sarcastically.

Taking a feather duster, she started sweeping the table gently as not to upset the paper pile. Humming a tune to herself, she continued her work effortlessly. Before long however, she noticed a slim rectangular shaped solid hiding amongst the paper work. Curious, she quickly moved away the offending objects lying on top of the mysterious object. After a few good minutes of searching, her hand finally caught hold of the object. Pulling it out from the pile to have a better look, she was surprised to find a silver photo frame, one of the numerous trinkets she picked up in the living world. She vaguely remembered giving it to Renji as a Christmas present.

What was it doing here? She assumed that he had thrown it away years ago. She never took him as a sentimental person.

Flipping the photo frame to the other side, she was baffled to see a picture of her dressed in one of her yukatas, glancing upwards at the falling sakura petals with a soft smile while standing beneath the tree. That was odd to say the least. She always figured that a closet narcissist like Renji would rather place his own picture than his best friend's, especially on his workbench and how exactly did he manage to obtain that picture. She didn't even know when that shot was taken, let alone who took it.

Intrigued, she hastily pried off the frame's binding to have a better look at the picture.

_Thwack_.

With another hard pull, the frame broke into halves and slid from her hands. The two halves landed with a thud on the floor along with the rest of its precious contents.

Cursing at her own carelessness and impatience, she hurriedly kneeled down to retrieve the fallen contents. She wrapped her left hand around the two halves of the photo frame and placed them gently upon the table. The manufactured trinkets these days are so fragile, she reminded herself to buy another identical photo frame the next time she visits the Living World. Hopefully, Renji would be too busy to notice the disappearance of the said object.

Next, she tried searching for her missing picture. Crouching low, she finally found it hiding beneath the table. Smiling to herself, she quickly picked it up with her right arm. It was then when she noticed an old piece of paper that already turned yellow lying not far from where she found the picture.

On top of that paper, in Abarai Renji's notoriously unmistakable messy handwriting, was her name- Rukia. Holding the paper in hand, she suddenly felt a strong urge to unfold it to read its contents. Peering around to make sure there was no one in sight, she quickly ran her eyes throughout the paper's content.

XXXX

_Dear Rukia,_

_ Before you throw this letter away, please read it just once and listen to what I have to say. This letter contains my heart-felt confession to you, so please take it seriously. Now, don't make fun of me after reading this letter, you hear? God knows, how long it took me to muster enough guts to write this. _

_ Truth is Rukia, I love you! Ever since we were kids in Rukongai, I remember playing house with you and the others. I always wanted to play as your husband, do you remember then? _

_ I'm not talking about brother-sister or best friend love here, Rukia! I mean it, and don't shrug it off as Pos-pas-pro, grrrr, what was that thing called again? Oh, right, the Post Traumatic Stress thingy Ichigo mentioned. I'm in perfect condition when writing this letter, and want you to know that. Will you accept me as something more than best friends? God, why did I do this again! Stupid Rangiku and her drunken advice. _

_ Is it getting awkward? Great, now I'm writing and talking to myself. I think I'm swaying the topic again. Anyway, I just… I just… _

_ Rangiku said that confessions are easier to write than to say in front of the person. So, I figured it's worth a try! I must have been crazy then! That woman was drunk then! I know I shouldn't have taken her advice._

_ Anyway, I hope that you reciprocate my feelings, but if you don't, well that's fine too. I just want to apologize beforehand for causing this awkward situation for you. And for delaying so long to tell you this, I … I should have grabbed hold of your hand then to stop you from accepting Taicho's offer. But I was young and too prideful, wanting to prove myself to everyone. I'm really sorry. If I had stopped you then, maybe, just maybe everything would have even different for us. You wouldn't have to meet that strawberry and wouldn't have to face the death penalty. But I guess that's just how bitchy life is, huh?_

_You told me I have some kind of commitment issue, which I whole-heartily deny. You even made a joke once, that I was so scared of being confined or shackled that I would never marry. In reality, I wouldn't mind finding myself shackled to you at all. In fact, I probably would have liked it a lot and want it to last forever._

_ I love you…_

* * *

Drip drops of her tears landed carelessly on the sheet of paper, blotching several words. Hastily, she folded the letter and tucked it inside her pocket. She couldn't bare to read the letter any further.

That letter contained Renji's heart-felt confession to her. It contains his inner feelings he would like to express to her but couldn't; feelings she never knew existed inside him.

_God,_ she sobbed, _I'm such a terrible friend. After so many years, he really did… care for me more than a best friend should. But I can't say the same for him. Why didn't he sent the letter in the end? Why, Renji? Why?_

Without another word, her knees gave way and she sank onto the floor, crying and weeping for her friend, for his unreciprocated feelings and for her own ignorance of the matter.

_I'm so so so sorry, Renji. I truly am._

Suddenly, she felt cold and lonely within the room. From where she sat, she could no longer see the sun; instead, dark gloomy clouds surrounded the sky with roars of thunders cackling maliciously overhead. The wind that was warm and pleasant while she was dusting just now became harsh and cruel, whipping against her face mercilessly. Her heart-wrenching sobs seemed to compliment the weather perfectly.

"Rukia?"

Hearing her name being called by a familiar voice behind her, she brought up her hands to wipe away the tears and stop the sniffles. "Yes? What is it?" she asked with her back facing the new comer, reluctant to let him see her tear-stained face and rogue tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Rukia, why are you crying?"

"I don't know what you mean. See," she turned towards him and tried her best in curving her lips upwards to form a smile, but to no avail. As soon as she caught sight of the new comer's condition however, her grief was put aside and anxiety overwhelmed her.

"Ichigo," she called with her left hand brought up to his cheek. Seeing her tall husband, with scores of wound littered around his upper torso and the rest of him bandaged up with blood seeping through most of the bandages, made her felt as if her heart momentarily stopped beating.

"What happened? Why are you injured? Weren't you with Renji and Ikkaku on a special mission to infiltrate Hueco Mundo? Why aren't you at the Unohana Taicho's division, treating your wounds? Why are you looking like... as if someone died? Goddamn it, answer me!" she yelled.

Bundling her little fists in his haori, she stared at him with her tear-filled eyes, while waiting for his reply.

"Rukia," he said with his gaze on the wooden floor, "It's about Renji. He's…he fell… Oh, goddamn it, he's dead. Some sick twisted arrancar suddenly appeared behind him. That psycho used his own body as a bomb. He exploded together with Renji. And, I was so useless. I couldn't do anything to save him. I'm so sorry!"

Without another word, he pulled her into his warm embrace. He wanted, no, he needed her comfort. And she, she needed a shoulder to cry on.

_Everyone needs to grief for their loved ones._

No words were spoken, no looks were exchanged, clinging onto each other for dear life. All their grief were expressed in tears. Within them, their hearts felt oddly hollow at this moment.

She rested her head against his chest, and felt a new trail of tears replacing the old ones. She knew then why he never wanted any other furniture, why he never bothered with paperwork, why he always had that far away look in his eyes when they're alone, why he always volunteered for those dangerous missions.

"He didn't die because of the explosion, he was much too strong for that. Ichigo," she whispered. "Abarai Renji died of a broken heart long ago."

Above them, the pitter-patter of rainfalls could be heard. Drumming on the rooftops, it was as if the sky too mourned the loss of a great Shinigami, Abarai Renji.

* * *

Author's note:

Wahhh! BOOOHOOOOOOO! My first attempt at writing a one-shot. Tragedy strikes when you least expects it. Sorry, Renruki fans don't throw rotten fruits at me. *narrowly dodges another flying tomato* Remember guys, read and review!


End file.
